Monday, 13 March 2017

I Love Chuck Lorre - Hello 2017?

*The Mashing of 2 posts together*

I'm such a nagger. And if it's not obvious or already comes through over here then im pretty sure i am a nagger at least to my self! I wish I could somehow transcend in time and form another better mirroring of my current reality. You see what I did there ;)

I'm thinking, sometimes we wish we could sort of be in slightly better positions. See, not completely saying oh lets delve? into the I wish's but just kinda being optimistic..I lost track of my point or where I was headed (oh, how that last sentence just sort of represented my life right now).

Moving on, I managed to finish or say stay up to date with the big bang theory show and first of all I've always really liked reading Chuck Lorre's vanity cards, despite not paying too much attention to them i remember moments that I were actually intrigued. So, I've almost always never failed to pause and read them.

So, If I could hang out with anyone for a day, I would choose Chuck Lorre -_-.

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So this is my first blog this year! And I just turned 24 (oh my god!)

I literally cannot determine any longer whether that's supposed to be a total maturity age or not..Is it the age where you figure things out, go all out, make wiser decisions, and work on self development etc?

Yes and no, i guess. It's not necessarily an age for anything..or perhaps we should stop setting age standards, you know?

Yes, in the sense that all the things i mentioned are actually great things to do, but at the same time there are 34, 44, 54, 64 etc year olds that havent figure all these things out. This is deep and I could go on and on for ages, however my point is...

I look forward to a new year, i'm beyond grateful & thankful for everything in my life, my experiences, people & journeys.

Sometimes, we need to take a step back..think and observe, and regardless of what you're going through, be grateful. Or try, because it's easier said and done...but try!


Saturday, 30 April 2016

Joie de vivre

Hello again,

Been a while - as usual now, it seems. I won't say that oh this needs to stop and what not again, let us do rather than just speak :)

I've finally quit my job in KL and in a month got a few offers. It was kind of fun, the search, the interviews, the excitement, sometimes even the frustration. Strange. but anyway I accepted a penang offer and I moved up here on the 27th. It was quite the challenge having lived in KL for my entire stay in Malaysia and to leave behind all that and pack my 6 years worth of life and just move - well, that was quite an experience.

I've always loved Penang, and ive always loved it's vibes. Its a beautiful place with a lot of personality  when compared to KL. To me, it's a mini KL with a beach! What's better than that. But ofcourse coming here for holidays and actually living here are 2 slightly different things.

So my job offer was as a digital marketer and I'm a 'consultant' according to my 1 year contract with them that is to expire next year March but ofcourse thats only if I renew my visa which expires this Nov. I have another possibility of a job offer in KL with a position opening in May/June with even better benefits and slightly more pay. I'm thinking about catching up with the guy again thsi May see how it goes. You never know, I could still go back to KL. But thats too much to think about right now. All im trying to concentrate on is my current dilemma of visa renewal (payment in specific) and my tasks and roles at this current job place.

For me to be considering another offer and havin not been here for long means there is something up with the current job right? Well, there are a few things that have bothered me, but Its really frustrating to keep jumping from one place to another like that.

Now ofcourse i wont mention the name of the company but to be honest they have a problem with their organisational culture. Leadership is horrible. They are weird. And not even in a good way, rather in a rude way. They are just strange. It's very localised here. They dont speak English as a matter of fact most of the time they converstae/crack jokes/make comments in malay or chinese and i just sit there like hello i really cant understand! WTF! its strange. My supervisor also doesnt really knows how to handle things i guess. she hardly gives me any work and im just wondering what she'd tell the boss after my prbation period becauseif i say anything then she wold definately get in totrouble. so metimes i feel like maybe she thinks im just an intern? Because yea, its fun to not have much work to do but its reached the level whereby i actually feel bad! Can you imagine. It's not funny anymore. Perhaps i should take more initiative into asking for more tasks. I think ill do that.

I dont know more than half the people im working with. we havent been given introductions at all! But luckily I made a friend. We arrived the same day and we go to lunch together. She's nice. And finds the company strange too so hih five. Onl difference is they're killing her with work. Strange again. For me lol. I dont know what the deal is with them but they better not blame shit on me.

I continue where I left of yesterday. Its strange how the last part of my rant changes 360 degrees. Today morning my supervisor came to me and gave me tasks that I can take care of already on a daily basis without having to ask for tasks like a child. Its unbelievable, not only that she also gives me a detailed SOP of whats to be done and how and she would share with me later this week an even more detailed document. Ive come to the realsiation that I perhaps lost all my previous patience virtues. And now, I have become a paitentless person. Clearly I have but in aslightly different manner. In seem to complain alot but things eventually happen exactly how I want them or even more and better! Amen I thank god :) Haha

Usually people in our lives come and go. Sometimes when people come in, we are delighted and sometimes they stay. Sometimes they are just passing by. Sometimes when they go, it is sad, sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesnt bother us at all and sometimes we dont even know why they go or why they even come in to our lives in the first place. It's funny. Let's let that be that...


Xx

That peak to inspiration

I wish I could have a good way to start this draft. I wish I could find the most amazing words but I might be a tiny bit overwhelmed and not sure where to start from. Lets try filter bullshit and keep important stuff for now. Or fuck it, ill just say whatever i want to.


"And no longer want to be bound by limits that were never set by me" - Arctic lake


very powerful statement. :)


Ive met someone. We talked on and off, forever. Not forever in literal meaning ofcourse, but for quite sometime and what I recall is that everytime we try to meet, we never do. To be honest, I wasnt reallys erious about anything and certainly not this someone. But i remember that when we first spoke, I saw something i liked. He was memorable and considering the amount of people i spoke with or maybe even met, that was something for me to remember! So, eventually we meet. It was the first day of my resignation and i needed to get away. Go out. See someone and he happened to be there so we planned to meet that evening and we finally did. I got dressed up and he came to pick me up.

He was very nice. A gentleman. Took me to a nice spot with an amazing view. And thats just how it happened! Ill cut to the chase. I like him to some extent. He managed to touch my heart and I feel for him now. He might see this post and he might not. I might tell him and I might not. The thing is that now I realise things about myself. Such as how hard ive been come. My unability to take 'caring talk' from others or any form of advice or find dificulty to do so and the list could slightly go on a bit longer but its not bad. Atleast im aware that there are things about myself that id probably need to re evaluate. Im too afraid. Im also impatient. Sigh

I should try to throw less fits.

Penang experience is not exactly how ive wanted it to be. But hey do we ever get much out of wanting things to be exactly how they should be? Why is there a certain way things should be in anyway? im not saying we should just run around like mad people but man just be a bit flexible.

I feel like in ashort while i managed to fuck up alot. I have a time problem. And i hardly take things seriously so you can imagine id be an extremely chill person but i honestly still think not! Its weird.

Its been a while so again, im just throwing things out. Not really trying to solve things or uncover the mysteries. Just throwing things out. Clearing space :)

I chose this title, because I havent felt like this in a while and I hope it doesnt fade away.


Xx

Sunday, 17 April 2016

Old draft (True - Blue)


Papaya

Ive been so much out of touch. It almost the end of the year, and im just flooded (sort of) with things to do. I try to finish up as much as I can to just start this coming new year as fresh as I can. I guss i am still very much looking forward to it, still pretty much excited.

This year has been a 'good story'. But still not stable at the moment, still getting there (I sincerely hope). I know ill be more than fine and will eventually get where i want to.

Ohmygosh whatever happened to keeping an online journal/blog? Shiiit talk about not keeping words. Man its just unbelievable how a person can choose not to deal with something or keep pushing something for long! Just looked at my last post and it was effing September! The last time i posted a blog was in September -_-. Very dissappointing, Im kind of overwhelmed. Like where do the fuck do i even start from? Alot has happened. Well ofcourse, Its been 4 months aaahh.

Any way ill just talk. But i kind of just re-realised why I should forever and forever keep this blog. I even inspire my own self. soemtimes, and as you read this line - this is literally me picking up from the last time ive attempted to blog (done a draft).

Today, I had an event at sime darby, we were invited to have a stand at their event and it was exciting and all - ofcourse. But its just never enough. I dont really think this is workin g out for me. From all angles and directions, if this was another person - they wouldve probably moved on a long time ago. Look, im not saying that its easy to move on, start again, quit or whatever. Its not easy to change. As much flexible as i am, change is not easy. Its a challenge which is fine. I just feel like i need a break and be on my own totally. or atleast spend more time with myself. I need that kind of change right about now. and i think its time. perhaps, maybe, probably? See what im doing there? this makes no sense. I am pretty sure i may not make sense to anyone but i understand which is good enough.

Not a word posted this month. Been busy, seems like this is always my excuse. But being busy should never stop a person from doing what they like, right? Ive had a few challenges at work, but nothing cant be overcome and achieved with success. So basically ive been working and meeting strangers haha. Exciting times! maybe not so much. I havent reached my desired level of excitement yet, but too much of that is also stressfull in its own kind of way.





Sunday, 21 February 2016

- Happy Lunar Year - Year of the monkey

Just wondering, and I dont mean to sound stupid or anything - but is multi tasking actually good. Is it possible to divide your focus on to several things such as tasks and so on, and actually do a good job on each? ok maybe a person can actually do an ok job, or a decent job, but can they actually perfect a task while multi tasking? Im pretty sure alot of factors can be included.

Look at the top two lines. these are actually notes that i made and are not part of this blog. but i decided to leave them because why TF not. haha It's funny though - so Ive been hanging out with friends and listening to some wack *feel free to interpret wack in whichever negative or positive way* music after work and these are actually songs that I liked and wrote down here, some of the lyrics that i heard (wasnt too bothered to ask for the name, either that or asked and was told that they didnt know the name of the song?). so now, looking at what ive noted, seems like im feeling fucking lonely. Either that or pms-ing. Im missing something - but thats me being fishing ungrateful. Again. See, thats the problem.

We keep neglecting ourselves, we refuse to listen to ourselves and to allow ourselves time and eventually we start to break down. But sometimes, things are inevitable. Sometimes you just got to keep going, but it doesnt make sense if you dont appreciate and practice gratefulness, it may be a challenge that amidst all what may seem like darkness, you could still throw out some colour. Im not saying agree and nod and submit yourself to every challenge you face, im just simply saying i totally get where that person that mentioned "if you dont like something, change it..." was coming from.

After all, isn't life an experience of continual growth? I mean the leastest is that this could actually be one of the legit explanations to it. Dont you think so.

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Ethereal

Ive been staring at the screen for a while now. Haha where do I start from? Its been a month, since I last blogged. Ive been super busy, and stressed out, and busy, and overwhelmed, and busy etc.

I wont add quotes to you...Because its been a while, or maybe ill throw a few that were in my mind for sometime now, or that ive been keeping an eye on for some weird reason that must have meant something to me but not really bothered to go into the topic in details perhaps, right now. so anyway, moving on, My visa process has finally commenced im happy-ier. Im getting there :). Anyway, I have already told myself that whatever comes my way, not to say id give up on what i want or anything, but ill appreciate myself regardless of how i feel and however things go and ill always be grateful. not too sure this is making sense, but it makes sense to me.


"Expectations often lead to disappointment. Just let life flow." - Unknown


When I started this draft, last saturday, I havent slept for almost 24hrs. Was feeling..Okay I guess, just had a wicked headache. My friends were blacked out everywhere, On my couch, in my room, just everywhere. It was fun Friday night/Saturday morning.

looking forward to December, and i keep on saying this a lot nowadays.


"The world changes in direct proportion to the number of people willing to be honest about their lives." - Armistead Maupin


What happened was that it was friday and im at work, around afternoon, and a friend of mine texts saying shes back from her hometown and we should go out. Was a bit reluctant at first but then said ok. So she came to pick me up, we go to Play and i try mdma for the first time. I thought id be out of my mind or something but my friends assured me that id be fully aware of my surroundings and that it doesnt even show really that id be on something. So, i was like ok cool! lets see what this is all about and i try it. I was just chilling..kind of waiting for something to happen, and nothing happens, i feel normal, so i decide to go to the toilet and the moment i started walking i was like oooh shit! something is happening. first, i was just feeling a bit unstable, so i walk slowly, then i reach the toilet and im noticing peoples conversations and they sound so silly, like, you know those girls that are...just too girly? convo's were something along those lines of "did you see him? he came and talked to me and i was like oh my god! bla bla bla no you didnt!"...1) They were loud and drunk. 2) i was staring at myself in the mirror while they were talking so i was busy, not that i was eavesdropping or anything! And then please, eavesdrop on what anyway? I noticed that i couldn't really concentrate on images or people. Like i cant see properly! I mean i could see just not stably? haha

Anyway, almost like being tipsy in a good way. I could hold a conversation and everything, so it was quite fine. Just laaater on you feel like you don't want to be bothered by people asking too many  questions. I had a 15 min conversation with my best friend after i got home on whether its fine f she could crash at my place or not. and i kept on telling her its fine i don't mind but for some reason the conversation went on and on. Same topic :I. That was annoying.


"Perhaps we should ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done." - Rudy Francisco

At Play it was me and nadnad then i asked Roman if he wanted to come by since i kept on ditching him for months. It was awkward. I really honestly dont know what this person thinks of me. Ive ditched him for forever and then tell him well im out with a friend that i havent seen for a while, come hang out with us, at Play!. Jesus, Sumaya. Oh well. Lets see.

Anyway, I had a good time. Last weekend was just, different. Not in a bad way of course. It was interesting. Good :)

Ill blog more frequently. This is not cool of me.


"...this is me. When all the others have left, I will not go, I will hold on, I will fight... And ill be the one who stays, until the very end..." - Mathew Spencer

Xx



The Journey (Sweet Disposition) (Old Draft)

Still after my visa. I will try to be positive - try to put my current situation in words, and say, "Im not even close to getting settled bu we're getting there". I have a lot of work, but at the same time my personal life is scattered all around me and i am slowly trying to put the pieces. Arrange the together. I am grateful for all the help im getting from my parents, siblings, friends and work. Thats all, If i say more id probably just sound totally ungrateful. Lets leave that aside for now. Im optimistic about September. It can get exhausting. Sometimes, one just needs a little bit of alone time, or days...

I dont want to sound like a bad person by saying what im about to say, but sometimes im around people, that are super nice and everything but we can never be friends because of alot of things that i wont start listing now, we can hang out and everything briefly but never really friends you know? but anyway, sometimes im around such people and i literally feel my vibe being killed. Like how i picture myself (and not that theres anygthing wrong with their image and id be ashamed to move around them or such. no im not that kind of person, i infact dont mind how people choose o express themselves its totally upto them and i just dont care) and how i think of myself as an individual, my outlook into the world and how i see my self in years time - all these thoughts and energies suddenly begin to go down. I literally feel it. from the things they talk about to what they want to do in the short term and long term if theres any real long term plans at all.


"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." - Alice Walker


I dont know how to explain its just that my soul is telling me to go away, from them! usually its temporarily that im around such people so its fine, kind of educational haha and not in the best way perhaps but i guess what im saying is with such people, our energies on important stuff, like shit that really matters dont click! they cant add to my personal development in any way. most of the time and theres nothing there.. but theyre good people, just not my people. So im sort of experiencing this right now and its a forced kind of temporary situation, so as i mentioned, thats fine. but hey! moving on.

I miss mama and sara and azza and mohamed and ahmed and baba and yousif and sanaa and nafisa :") I do I do!!! AAHH

Maybe im a complicated person. Im very easy to deal with, but my mind is very complex. I tend to overthink things. I care about what people think of me as an individual but I also dont care, I am afraid people would judge me, but I dont have anything for anyone and believe that a grown person should be able to make wise and sound decisions for themselves and just do whatever they feel right. I could go on and on and the irony is ridiculous. It is like a paradox. So basically im an inbetween person. It seems. But I live my life however i want to, so on the other hand, Im also taking a stand on what i want, and not really an inbetween sort of person. Actually inbetweeners would be people that are easily influenced. Apparently ive been convinced that im easily influenced, perhps when i was younger and naive. I might be a bit easy to convince.

 I feel like i need to travel, Like a short trip. Something like my Cambodia or Lao trip.

I need to slow down, mentally. Its like im rushing. What am i rushing for? I need to focus on whats important right now - get things done. This a talk to YOU BRAIN :'). how about we chill and focus. Seriously -_-.


"You will die a thousand times before you wake up feeling alive in your own skin. You will love all of the wrong hearts before you realize the strength in your own." - Unknown


I might have a clash with some people. I dont want to make it sound like its a big deal because whatever I am about to clash on, with said people, shouldnt be a major issue to start with, But since it seems like it has to or im being pushed to make it happen, unconsciously by them, then i shall not fail to make it happen. If i need to make a stand and let people that I respect know that i dont accept what they are telling me, then i need to do it. Especially after repeatedly telling said people that this is what i want and this is what id like to do and i get no respect reciprocated or understanding then it might be an issue. I also repeatedly mentioned that i should not be forced to do anything unwillingly, that i want to make my own choices and I have been, ever since ive been in college then i dont know what to say anymore.

I need this. I need to be left alone to do what i want to do. How come that isnt enough? All I need is support. All kind of support i can get and let me see me. If youd like, see me through. Tell me ull always be there, but dont push me because ill hate you. Most probably


"I am too full of life to be half loved." - Unknown


I know this sounds very serious. Perhaps the word hate is a bit too strong, but let me say ill just dislike said people alot. Or anyone for that matter that does not allow me to do what I want to do. As if im doing something horrible. Im simply trying to build myself and my career. And see and live my life. I never liked being the centre of attention and definately not being watched like an eagle. Or under supervision. Ive left many places behind that i dont necessarily want to be in because i simply told myself so. haha. I dont want to break promises that ive made to myself, no matter how unreasonable or inlogical these promises may sound to other people, they sound perfectly fine to me. Imagine, someone making promises to you, and breaking them. How would a person feel? bad. Because promises are to be kept. Now imagine making a promise to yourself, and breaking it? *take it in*. It s painful and heart-breaking. Dont we already have enough of those being passed around? Lots of heartbreaks and pained souls? Why should i now do the same to myself? We always, put ourselves in such situations.

Ive noticed, From my last statement, that I normally blame myself when unfortunate things happen. I dont know why. Perhaps because like I said before, nothing happens without us making the first moves, or being a part of something. Apparently everything is within our control - i guess, at least most of the time thats true, so if i find myself in a bad or a challenging situation, it most probably didnt just come out of the blues. I must have been a part of the flow of actions that occurred which eventually led to such situation.


"Its very easy to be different, but very difficult to be better." - Jonathan Ive


Its so strange, how one could talk about things in the early hours of the day and end up seeing those exact things later in the night. I was talking to a friend today, about how its always a good thing to speak your mind. I wont go deep on that it was sort of a personal discussion. How can a person like another and not do anything about it? Normmal, like everyone does. You just sit back and watch the person slip away slowly into another persons arms. Just kidding. So basically i was discussing how a person should always speak their mind about what they want, because whats the worst that could happen. According to my friend, regret is the worst that could happen.I wont add my thoughts to this but anyway evening comes, and I go out with a good friend of mine that decides to suddenly open up to me about how he feels for a girl hes been seeing. That he likes the girl. Let me just say that I felt awkward. I dont know, maybe I dont like it when guys tell me about other girls most of the time, especially girls they like because then im like what am I supposed to say? :')

So I told him, what I was told in the morning. Perhaps advice that I wouldnt take in the content thats been discussed in , but nonetheless if its advice that may not have been beneficial for me in my situation, or atleast not now, doesnt mean it wouldnt be beneficial to a friend. Besides it is great advice. "Maybe you should say something", I said. Meaning be clear about what you want. Right?

What happened is, I have my ex on whatsapp and hes saying hi to me. So i asked today if we could be friends and it was weird because he is married and i guess because i overthink a tiny bit I was thinking about if his wife might mind and if this would be appropriate. I then thought why should it be weird, Im just an ex and at the end of the day he is married to her. Im not a bad person, hes just a cool guy that i like and respect and would like to be friends with, i think, because simply why not?

It was a weird experience that lasted a few minutes but then it was fine.


"A person doesnt have to be perfect to be exactly what you need." - Unknown


Interesting perspective (y).


Xx